I admit it! I’m on the side of proponents who posit that we are able to create reality, actually make events happen! Aside from deep spiritual beliefs, there are some very practical, down to earth thoughts about how one is able to make actual changes in one’s life. Now, don’t zero out using the powers of the Universe, just consider these more mundane ideas as stepping stones along the way.

Vision is the Leader

How many times have you heard successful, gifted humans tout that you must have vision? In other words, without thoughts, goals, direction, we are just here, at the will of who knows what. But with vision, plans about where we want to go and how we are going to get there, the World opens up to possibilities. Ones that we have indeed created for our selves!

What is the worst that can happen if you have vision and it doesn’t seem to materialize with your efforts? Disappointment? Yes, but also knowledge of what works and what might not. So, change the plan, make the vision more workable! Successful people will always say, “failure is my best teacher.” Now, try again with even better ideas.

After Vision-VISUALIZE

Give yourself about 20-30 minutes to follow these directions on a frequent basis. Relax, breathe, relax your muscles. Get into the mode of using thoughts and pictures in your mind’s eye. Give your imagination freedom! Take a snapshot of the future you want and what success looks like to you. Now embroider on that snapshot–use all your five senses to expand upon that picture of you with success.

Put yourself at the center of that visualization. Use your sight (of course, only in your mind’s eye), notice the sounds you might associate with that success, are there any scents you might perceive, taste what would accompany this success, and use your kinetic sense to feel yourself moving and taking the actions of success.

Now the Real Magic

If you mentally see yourself in a scenario, it opens up actions that you would naturally take to make the scenerio materialize. It gives your deep, wise inner self suggestions about how to make the success happen, decisions that you can make to get you where you want to be.

A vision is important because it causes you to stretch. The next step is to visualize what success will look like. Have a vision of your success, and how you can actually make your success happen–the behaviors, thoughts, attitudes necessary for success to be yours.

Think about how to make your vision attainable. You will figure out what to do to create this reality. Then if you think about what to do to make it happen long enough, you will eventually do it.

Thoughts are the beginning of all actions. By envisioning success, you allow yourself to think bigger. The more you visualize success, the more you act as though you are successful. As you gain confidence by practicing success, you will will take the steps you have laid out for yourself!

It seems too simple, yet it works. Dream your world into being! Then make it happen with actual behaviors!

Mindfulness is the practice of centering on the present in which you reside at this very moment. The practice has become popular in programs that teach stress reduction and has a wide appeal among health care practitioners who advocate Mind-Body Health. It is ideal for cultivating greater awareness of the unity of mind and body, as well as how unconscious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can undermine emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Finding its roots in Eastern religions, Mindfulness was popularize by Dr. Jon Kabot-Zinn in his stress reduction program at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center in the late 1970′s. The practice is a meditation technique that can be broadened to stop intrusive thinking and to bring thoughts back when they “run away.”

Stop the “Thought Merry-Go-Round”

Most of us have had unwanted thoughts intruding on the day and keeping sleep at bay. Mindfulness is a way to restructure the brain, so old patterns can be dislodged and replaced with more adaptive ways of thinking. Learning and practicing Mindfulness is, of course, a commitment, and will require some effort. For an introduction and guidance, check out Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

As with all human conditions, intrusive thinking ranges from severe obsessional patterns to occasional bothersome thoughts about a stressful event that has taken up residence in our heads. For severe obsessive disorder, treatment involves a psychiatric medication evaluation and intensive psychotherapy. However, for the majority who experience worry and thought intrusion, combining relaxation and Mindfulness will bring new perspectives, and hopefully new coping skills that really work. You need not remain a captive of your mind.

Begin, as usual, with your breath, bring your awareness to the sensations of breathing. When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the breath sensations. Now expand your practice with suggestions by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

Rewiring Our Brains

Mindfulness practice changes the connections and pathways in our brain. Neuroscience and brain imaging labs are showing that brain changes occur with Mindfulness meditation, sometimes in as little as 2 weeks. Commitment to meditation may not be what many will chose. However, even with daily small exercises, the mind can be trained to deal with stress more effectively, and thus begin to control the intrusive thoughts. For more information, Google rewiring the brain/neuroscience.

The least you need to know:
1. You can escape old thinking patterns by teaching the old dog (you) new tricks, like Mindfulness.
2. Don’t expect to change your distress without some work on your part.
3. Mind-Body practice helps release emotions that may have been causing the body physical stress. Much like exercise, research has shown that even meditating briefly can reap immediate benefits.

Should you decide to accept this assignment, you must
1. Engage in your own healing.
2. Take charge of and responsibility for your health by committing to practice change in your everyday behaviors.

As I listen to the Family’s and church’s service for Whitney Houston, her greatness becomes clear. Her talent reigned always. But, what drove her mourners to celebrate her life was the person she was deep inside. A clear theme proclaimed, she was great because of her inner self. So, too, all of our greatness comes forth from within, not just from a talent or charmed life the few are able to live.

Getting Out of Yourself as a Coping Skill

Getting stuck in sadness and why me? keeps us focused on what we don’t have, instead of what we do have. Always, care givers, personal and professional, are besieged with “how can I rise above my sorrow, my pain?” And there is no short miracle that happens when we are simply heard by another human being! However, eventually we professionals, turn to teaching and helping the person in pain build a way to keep pain at bay. Listening to the person is part of the teaching way.

The foundation of living successfully in this life is simply learning to make your life count. Since we are social beings in various ways, making your life count will entail helping others make their lives count.

Where Do I Find the Strength to Make My Life Count?

The answer lies deep within and having the courage to reach for the strength. Give me “one moment in time/when I’m racing with destiny/Then in that one moment, I will feel eternity”. Those lyrics sung by Whitney Houston at the 1988 Summer Olympics opening in honor of guiding athletes to believe in one’s self against all odds.

Thus finding the strength is closely related to awareness of others’ challenges and struggles, and the courage of reaching beyond ourselves. It is made much easier by adopting a spiritual side where strength is given for the asking. Expect miracles!

Shortly before Christmas, Matt’s mother came home to her dead 40 yr. old son. He had been living with her for several years in an attempt to help him commit to sobriety. Her values prevented her from walking away. His addiction had been a long struggle for both. She had talked to friends for strength in getting through the difficulties in trying to help him. Her efforts to lead him and support him ended in tragedy, his death from alcohol while she briefly vacationed with other family.

Truly, Addiction is the Plague of our Times

Dear Paula,

Since Matt’s passing, the process of grieving is well underway for you. I just wanted to let you know that we are with you in spirit and understanding. Perhaps you are even ahead somewhat because of the long time you dealt with his dying process. He was headed to self-destruction for many years, especially, I think, after his head injury, also a part of the addiction picture.

So, the many memories of him keep coming up for you, memories of both good and bad times, memories of the little boy and his brothers, all the joys and tribulations that a young family brings. Memories of the highs and lows of your life as they were connected to your boys flash in and out of your grieving awareness, until they hopefully will give way to peace and acceptance.

You have been in this process for years, ever since it became clear that Matt’s addiction would eventually bring his demise. I know of no worse destruction than that of addiction. And, of course, Matt received the double dose of brain injury that grievously affected the addiction.

The bad is very real and culminated in his final self-destruction that you are now left with processing, struggling through the emotions, and finally, giving his actions, struggles, and terrible decisions, that he couldn’t seem to stop making, their resting place.

I hope that you are kind to yourself. What you showed to the world was a mother who did everything possible, against overwhelming odds for success. It is very difficult to let our children live out their destinies without thinking that maybe we could stop the process. You tried valiantly to intervene, and give him unconditional love. His life was better for it, the best that circumstances would allow.

Matt was actually a very good man. He had kindness and love of the animal world as primo assets. Even with his deficits, humor did not pass him by. He worked hard and had an admirable set of skills. I enjoyed getting to know him and was grateful for the way he helped others without reservation. We will miss him, too

Now, hopefully, you can heal and set a course for yourself that gives you joy, peace, and freedom.

With Respect,

Pat

Alas, especially if you are a care giver of friends or family, you may be expected to do a great job, with little positive feedback. The patient has suffered a traumatic time for whatever caused the disability and may not have a lot to give back to a care giver. It is just the job you are expected to do!

Now the discussion so far may not be as negative for you. You may be feeling rewarded and satisfied. That is ideal. But just in case the care giver role may have burned you out, evaluating your own success can help you cope with some of those overwhelming feelings that care giving brings. You can give yourself an “atta girl/boy!

The Tips

1. Begin with an examination of your own attitudes, beliefs and work ethic. If you uncover feelings of negativity, being overwhelmed, out of control with anger, and otherwise detrimental attitudes proceed directly to Number 10 below. At the very least do some thoughtful care giving to yourself. It may be possible that you could be depressed from this very stressful job. No shame in getting help!

2. Plan your care giving time to include time just to listen to your patient. Being heard by another human being is one of the most important gifts that we can give and a magic cure for so many worries.

3. Educate yourself about the many products, such as mobility and bath safety aids, that are available to support and make life easier and more comfortable for the elderly and disabled. Some products will make your job incredibly easier and safer for you and your patient.

4. Evaluate your patient in terms of what you would find helpful, if you were in his/her shoes. Then try to include helpful aids or behaviors that you identified as something you would like. No harm in trying out a new activity.

5. Tally up the patient’s likes and dislikes, and make a concerted effort to magnify the “likes” for the patient.

6. Understand that the patient’s “grumbles” may be more about disappointment and feeling of helplessness, than a direct criticism of you.

7. See the environment from the patient’s eyes with respect to needs for privacy, access to meeting personal needs, lack of ability in independent self care, and general comfort in living. Use your findings to solve problems.

8. Recognize signs of depression (feeling down, apathy, anger, poor concentration anxiety, fatigue, restlessness, irritability) and get a mental health consult, if you aren’t sure. Depression is treatable, but you may need a professional’s help for your patient.

9. If you think at times that your patient may not be physically well, or even not thinking or expressing themselves like they have previously, don’t hesitate to involve the primary care physician. Care giving is best when it is a team effort, and you know when to involve others!

10. By all means, recognize that you need a break from care giving duties on a regular basis. You will be better at your job, if you have a respite. All too often, care givers are dedicated to the patient to the degree of letting their own needs run amok. Burn out will never result in good care giving.

Now honestly assess your efforts. If your motives are pure, you should be able to reach around your shoulders and give yourself an “atta girl or boy” for a job well done! Or, at the very least, you have a blueprint to improve your care giving!

The elderly population is growing at an exponential rate! At some point many of us will move into care giver roles for our parents, whether it is in our own homes, their homes, or supervising care in a facility. We will be charged to add a creative part to the process in order to keep the elder’s self-worth alive and to maximize their quality of life.

The role reversal of parent and child as the parent ages is often a wake up call. Gradually, the parent has become dependent on the “child,” who is now an adult, and with the dependency comes new dynamics that the adult “child” must shoulder.

There is a dangerous part in all of this that the adult child has to cover: protecting the elderly parent from falling, from taking on tasks they can no longer easily do, from not getting very basic needs met appropriately and many more.

Here’s the creative part in caring for elderly parents: keeping self-esteem alive and well, providing mobility aids, bath safety, and making their living areas as pleasant and comfortable as is possible.

Many Responsibilities Surface for Care Giver

All the while helping them to be safe and secure in their environment, the now care giver has many responsibilities. It all boils down to enhancing the quality of their lives. For example, a day trip within the community can make an otherwise dull day bright. A transport wheelchair is relatively economical and makes care giving vastly easier.

In providing the care needed for the elderly parent, it is important that the elderly feel respected and worthy. Enhancing the quality of life for the elderly parent is helped with living aids; however, the attitude of the caregiver will be the basis upon which the care given is built.

Take a Self Inventory

Being honest, conflicts with parents are one of the stages of child (sometimes adult, too) development. Now we have to work through all the old hurts, wrongs done and even possible guilt for our feelings. In many cases, it is exceptionally difficult to put away the old pains and resentments. The past can be tenacious and letting go may seem impossible. The only guidance I would give is to “be the person you have grow into being”! Lessons have been learned.

Then there are those of use who feel we have to make things better when, in reality, we can’t change most of the events our parents now find in their lives. Hard lesson! One does what one can, we are not responsible for changing the impossible. Again, we are responsible for “being the person we have grown into being.”

You have to manage your own life as well, and it will need to take priority many times.

Ultimately, spinning the day as positively as possible, giving respect and encouragement, and providing the help you are able to do are major parts of creatively caring for elderly parents. The basis of your care will always begin with fostering a positive attitude within yourself.

When a person is dropped into a caregiver role, it may seem impossible to know how to begin. A light bulb lit up for me this weekend while attending a coaching conference: many of the same guidelines of life coaching can be applied in a slightly different manner to care giving.

Basically, the physical and medical needs of their “patient” are major, of course. But, some of the most thorny care giving issues are how to relate emotionally to the elder or disabled, how to help with their emotions, and how to motivate independent living in the face of disappointment and struggles. Whether you’re a caregiver or life coach you’re about to model and teach a whole new way for the person to cope and live with whatever challenges that are now a part of life.

Becoming Skilled at Fostering Positive Attitudes

How can a caregiver resolve problems so that the elder or disabled can have greater personal growth and coping skills? A caregiver has to navigate through a variety of scenarios ranging from the individual’s emotional reactions to a disability to problems that involve family interactions. Bottom line: as a caregiver, you must become skilled at working with human beings to produce positive change and help that person adapt to the new challenges that surface. Pretty tall order!

One of the first orders of business is to explore your own attitudes and possible negativity. No, you are not expected to make life perfect and everything back to normal! You are not responsible for what has happened to make the person disabled. More, you do have responsibility for providing positive support. You can’t work miracles, but you can model encouragement, help in coping with “life’s lemons,” and do the best you can to bring a light of sunshine. Empathy is far from sympathy, and it can be a basic tenet of your care giving.

Many physical problems can be modified with home medical equipment. In turn, the confidence built by having the right equipment spills over into the emotional realm.

It Always Is a Surprise: Just Listening and Talking Work Wonders

A well trained life coach never provides instant solutions, rather coaching is a process whereby the individual decides what efforts and solutions he will bring to his problems. Help the elderly and disabled verbalize what the main problems are, how it affects their outlook, and what might make things better.

Empathizing can be very good, up to a point. The real help is in the process of exploring thoughts and feelings. No feeling is bad, a feeling is a feeling. However, remember, thoughts drive emotions. Helping to “reframe” negative thoughts when possible or encouraging a more positive “spin” will ultimately work better. That takes time and perseverance.

Ah, you say, she doesn’t know my Dad. You are right, but having someone really listen to what he is feeling will prompt better coping than denying those feelings. Remember, it is a process, a marathon, not a sprint!

Get started small; you can’t change a whole lifetime or dissolve the trauma of disability. However, you can be a light in the dark forest that may make all the difference in the world. More Later.

The least you need to know:
1. Care giving involves emotional as well as physical needs.
2. You are not expected to solve problems that cannot be solved.
3. You are a role model for learning to adapt to challenges.

The mission should you chose to accept requires:
1. Getting your own emotional and thinking house in order. Negativity breeds negativity.
2. Talking and listening–without judgment–is magic!
3. Remember the marathon, not the sprint; this will be a lifetime of persistence.

Deciding on the need for adaptive equipment may require noticing details and subtle differences as age progresses in our loved ones. We may even tend to overlook a lessening of functioning in our elderly parents, or not realize the time is coming when geriatric care will be necessary.

We may even resist moving into our roles as caregivers, wanting our parents to stay the strong and sturdy parents we always knew. Or perhaps the thought of giving that care may be too big of a burden, and we turn to denial, a problem that surely complicates the elder’s and potential caretaker’s lives. Thus both parties may struggle with depression and guilt.

Signs to Look For

If their movements are tentative and unsure, perhaps it would be wise to evaluate where the failings are beginning. It is a given that sitting down and getting up become more of an effort as age progresses. Hesitancy in walking and being a little unsteady on their feet may be some of the first signs.

Usually, the elder will start noticing how easy tasks have become difficult. They may comment, “I’m not as sure of myself as I usually am”, or “I can’t seem to go as far as I used to.” Sometimes even, “I guess I’m getting old” will be expressed with a sense of loss and regret.

Managing the Emotional Side

Depression is common and may need the assistance of professionals, including evaluation by psychiatric professionals regarding medication needs. Honest expression of emotions by both the elder and potential caretaker can stop damaging build up of resentments. Ask a psychologist to help mediate the discussion, if you are uncertain how to handle emotions.

Acceptance is Difficult

Many times, the elder will not accept using a walker or wheelchair, usually feeling that the use of these items will be a public announcement of their “weaknesses.” Some will want to hold on until they can’t hide the lessening of abilities; some even may fall or not be able to walk without hurting themselves. Definitely, help is a necessity now.

Many Products are Available to Meet a Range of Needs

Often the ability to be mobile is a gradual failing, one that family may not notice as it begins. When it becomes more and more apparent that age is progressing, thinking of help with personal care and mobility will be appreciated. The elderly may be embarrassed or not want to admit that simple tasks have become difficult.

However, adapting to challenges will not escape anyone, and making mobility and personal care safer and easier are certainly good places to start. Do research about home medical products and adaptive equipment to solve a variety of problems.