Healing Is Complicated
Forgiveness adds another difficult layer in the process of applying positive thinking to overcome abuse, a particularly entrenched problem of many individuals’ personal growth process. Our culture’s Christian heritage has inserted forgiveness as a necessary step in personal development. A reader points out that forgiveness has muddied the water considerably in his/her healing process– a huge stopping point for many working through the ravages of abuse!
Naturally, another complication with blindly applying positive thinking in the healing process is “getting past” the abuse. Forgiveness holds a powerful place in much of our culture, rightly so. However, taking the liberty of not answering the Christian dilemma, forgiveness lends a special perspective to the healing process that can be centered on the person who was abused, letting go of whatever the abuser must do in his/her own personal growth and atonement.
Don’t Discount Giving Yourself Permission To Minister to You, Only
I see the “forgiveness” aspect of this post as a wonderfully “selfish” act that the abused person gives to him/herself! That is, the wrong that was done to the abused person is a concept that only the abuser can resolve in his/her own personal development. The acts were wrong when they happened, they are still wrong today, and they will always be wrong in the future! The abused person was never the reason for the abuse!
Now that person need no longer worry about what, where, when, or who to forgive. The person abused no longer needs to carry that burden. The abuser must go on to solve their own guilt with whatever higher source they may have. The focus is now on turning over the burden of what has been done to a greater power, and lifting the burden off yourself.
If you must, resolve whatever you feel is the religious link to your own well-being with a proper representative of your faith. Try not to get lost in the “forgiveness” as your duty.
Don’t Try To Apply Logic To What Happened
Abused individuals often try to find a congruence with what has happened and a rationale of why. There is no congruence because what the abuser did was wrong; the abused individual is not responsible for the abuser’s burden. It is ”normal” to feel the sadness, and I would guess more than a little anger. Sometimes, the person abused even feels the need to forgive him/herself; I’m not sure why in each individual case. Remember you cannot be responsible for another person’s wrongful actions.
Taking care of yourself is now your only task!
Acceptance Is The Key
Acceptance of the facts, and not bringing the why into play is the challenge. Accept that the abuse happened and go on to live life. For whatever reason, evidently this process is part of learning from the experience.
I’d be surprised if the why is totally separate from self-esteem. The goal should not be to ”get over it.” Rather, it may be more of acceptance that one had to live through others’ life lessons. Perhaps the cup being “half full” is to realize one’s growth. I find many clients will reveal the positives in their own growth, in spite of the pain, after sufficiently processing with another person, often a therapist.
The least you need to know:
1. You are not responsible for another person’s mistakes or bad behavior.
2. Healing is complicated.
3. Your responsibility to yourself is to be free to personally grow, in spite of the pain.
The mission. if you choose to accept, requires you:
1. To realize you are not ordered–for your own health–to forgive in the traditional Christian sense; let that part be a process you undertake with a representative of your faith.
2. Let go of trying to make sense out of what happened. Accept and go on to make yourself into person you want to be.
3. Look for the positives the experience has opened for you, not the least of which is to grow personally, and to make sure you never repeat the abusers’ patterns.
