What A Big Step; I didn’t Think I could Do It! 
Depression and anxiety had plagued her for years. She tentatively had been trying to wrap her thoughts around making some demands for herself. Her passive nature usually stopped her before actually taking steps to claim time for herself. Personal growth had been at a standstill.
Entering the therapist office, the client looked sheepish as she revealed that she had gone to her favorite beach with her friend, instead of staying in town during her 19 year old daughter’s Spring break from school. Her husband told her that he thought she should be around while their daughter was out of school. It was, after all, how they had handled their daughter’s school breaks all through this first college year.
“I realized that I’m not as kind and tolerant when I’m not happy, she admitted. “I get easily agitated, no one understands. Sometimes, I need to do something for me.” She had put out the invite to her husband to go with her. He turned her down, so she took her first step in her new found assertiveness, and went without him. Taking such a step into independence was not an issue with the couple. It was one for her though.
She knew her daughter didn’t need her, and likely wouldn’t even be around that much. Her husband was relieved he didn’t have to “go to the beach,” and could do what he wanted, too.
Others Must Come First
All is well when you finally realize that life is passing you by, if your primary job is to care for everyone, but you. Too often with such a “selfish” realization, guilt looms larger than life. Do you actually have the right to take care of you, not everyone else? Are my needs important enough for me to give them attention?
A Resounding Yes!
Eventually, the question of staying in the “care-taking” role springs forth in testing the path to personal-growth, especially if you are a passive person. Conditioning that has led you to take care of others’ needs before your own is often heavily embedded in self-development, and may be the cause low self-esteem.
Especially, the guilt arises when the person deeply questions his/her own worth and rights. Early parental guidance that gives little support and encouragement to the child may lead her to believe that others always come first. These words may have undermined the child’s self-esteem, and continue even into adulthood. It is often surprising that pleasing others to gain acceptance is still such a strong behavior long after becoming an adult.
Sometimes, the current family is encouraging when a partner/parent begins a new path to personal development. Those may be the rare instances; it is universally hard to welcome change another family member makes that will intimately affect everyone else. The status quo is more comfortable, and others may be accustomed to being first on the family’s agenda. It takes careful navigating when a change is made in the family dynamics.
Communication Is A Must
The only way change in the family structure can be accomplished is through all family members being able to share feelings and thoughts. Opening communication by listening to each other and having the freedom to tell your deepest thoughts paves the way to change. If it is too difficult, a third party can take pressure off, and help the family change dynamics that may have been in place for a long time. Family counselors can make the process less threatening and more successful.
Not all families or couples have to go through counseling to change. However, if trying to work through it alone only leads to old injuries being reprocessed again and again, get a therapist involved. It generally feels safer to talk about sensitive issues when a third party helps to keep the discussion focused on the task at hand.
