Changing The Zebra’s Stripes
Too often passive and emotionally abused individuals don’t know how to get out of relationship patterns that are destructive. If the answers were obvious, they would have resolved the issues long ago, and gone on with their personal growth. They feel stuck and question if there even is a way out. Often, it’s not a way out of the relationship, as much as it is a way to break abusive patterns that is being sought. Long-felt poor self-esteem, perhaps in both partners, is likely a part of the problem.
Young children are not the focus of this discussion. Rather, this is a reference to communication with other adults and even teens. Poor communication patterns perhaps have been in place for the length of the relationship, because each member of the couple has different backgrounds, temperaments, and learned behavior. The dominant/aggressive partner may not know how to change either.
From the dominant partner’s point of view, it is endlessly puzzling why a loved one, or even co-worker or friend, doesn’t see how good his/her advice is, and how help is justified. “After all,” he/she explains, “the other obviously needs advice. Terrible decisions are made, time and time again. I certainly have everyone’s best interests at heart. It is only because I love him/her that I want change,” further justifying the hounding. Actually, it is the dominant person’s stripes that need changing, although, both members will have adjustments.
What Is Missing?
If you tend to be over-powering in the relationship, and are finally asking yourself what’s wrong, you may have hope after all. Not hope of getting the other to listen and take your advice. But, hope that you can actually learn and use effective communication skills to get to the root of the issues. I know frustration is high; you really only want to help.
Now that you are beginning to realize that change is needed, you may be able to make progress. By shutting you off and resisting your suggestions, the other person may be latching on to the ONLY defense he/she believes that is available–holding you at a distance in order to protect the self, and not be “swallowed up.”.
The aggressive partner is used to getting resistance as the other partner’s response. It probably has been expressed in any number of ways that leave both feeling hopeless and tired of trying. Chances are that both spend not a few sleepless nights, asking “where did we go wrong, why is change so hard?”
The Need To Control May Be At the Heart Of Dynamics
Believing that you know what someone else should do is quite a presumption! Often, a controlling individual is quite convinced of his/her expertise. I’m not talking about expressing genuine concern for what is happening with another, or even expressing a well-founded critique because the other is obviously making poor choices.
What I am referring to is the out and out statements, or openly expressed attitudes, demonstrating verbally and non-verbally, that one actually believes that he/she knows what is right.
The Answer Is Collaboration
Too often the victims of such verbal and/or emotional abuse arrive at a therapist’s office, now very unsure, demoralized and fearful to make choices about almost anything. The job at hand is to build the victim’s confidence in his/her abilities, and support that person in learning assertiveness. It is rare that treating only one member of the couple will work.
The alternative to controlling is being a supportive collaborator to help each other solve what is needed. Depending on the length and severity of abuse, it may take time to repair the damage and learn to take control of decisions. If the couple decides to work on the rebuilding process together, so much the better. Hopefully, that will be the case.
Don’t hesitate to consult a professional, if the process is too daunting. It is often necessary and helpful to get another viewpoint and address other issues with the relationship that may be connected to the controlling and inappropriate lack of assertiveness. It is a package deal, change has to be made all the way around.
