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Self-Judgment Lowers Self-Esteem

September 3, 2010 admin No comments

What Was I Thinking?

Self-esteem can take a big hit if we are dissatisfied with our current lives and look back with disdain on early decision-making. Hindsight is so easy that we forget we made the best choices we could for that time. We never get out of bed thinking “I’m going to make the worst choice I can today.” Our judgment about what was best earlier may have been warped, but the decisions likely fit with the abilities available at that time.

Later, when we find ourselves in situations that we don’t like, the temptation is high to go back and criticize our decisions or become lost in remorse over our choices. At this point, self-worth and self-esteem take yet another hit, and negative feelings about ourselves wrap us in self-degradation, hopelessness, poor confidence, and deciding to give up.

Regaining Control Of Our Lives

Recognizing that earlier choices had a foundation in our needs, perceptive abilities, and knowledge at that time can free you to make better choices now! Most of our lives are not locked totally in stone, and we usually can find some way to make positive changes. It will be hard, and motivation to grow and weather more storms can be intimidating.

Inner Wisdom Plays A Big Part

Accepting the growth that has been made is a beginning. You had to come a long way just to admit your earlier struggles with value clarification or possible superficial rationalizations for why you did what you did. Perhaps, it will become more clear that there were insurmountable challenges at that time; you may even recognize that you would do it differently, if you had another opportunity. Perhaps your inner wisdom led you to make choices in order that you would be ready for different paths now. (Good perception re sowing wild oats in the past.)

No question, personal growth has been made or you wouldn’t be reading this now!

One of the strongest regrets often is not having taken a more positive step in education. We are very fortunate we live in a time that technology allows for second chances. It’s not too late, even if you’ve tried before. Try it again.
What a great way to spend time, if you’re not working! Google on-line education.

As for lost relationships, you have more knowledge and stronger abilities now and/or more avenues of help. Try therapy.

The Least You Need To Know:
1. Give the past it’s due and move on. You were essentially a different person then with different needs, perceptions, & abilities.
2. Revel in your growth.

The mission, should you choose to accept, requires:
1. Look to the future, not what was and the stuck places you were in.
2. Step out with action to seize opportunities. Make positive self-esteem a part of you.

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Raising Self-Esteem By Breaking Old Habits

August 16, 2010 admin No comments

Continuing From The Last Post

In the last post, a client writes about finally being free of her damaging behaviors that allowed a man to repeatedly hurt her. In this post she explains how she changed her behavior patterns for the good. She definitely will benefit from not being a slave to a person who used her. While this is written from a female perspective, plenty of men can raise their self-esteem to claim independence from being used and subsequently, raise their self-worth.

The Courage To Change

l’m not sure how I really got over him; talking to you definitely helped me. I just think when I was overseas it finally clicked and I realized there are other people out there that like me, and he’s not the only fish in the sea. Time helped, but I think I finally had to realize for myself that I’m too good for him, and I need to stop beating myself up. If you had told me that I would be feeling this way about “user friend” when I first came to see you, I would have never believed you. I still can’t believe that I am so relieved from him. He was like cancer. I just had to cut him out. I’m actually at my job right now and he is here. I haven’t bumped into him, but I’m strong now, so I’m not worried about him.

I did meet 2 other people while I was overseas, so that helped me know that I can still attract other people. (In her encounters with these men she quickly saw a similar pattern developing and was able to stop from getting back into that hurtful pattern.) She goes on to say… I deserve a lot more than what he’s giving me and, if he can’t meet me halfway, then I’m done.

I also decided that when I do meet someone that I am not going to get intimate with them, at least until it’s something concrete like a real relationship. That will weed out the guys that are just looking for a good time, and I am not willing to do that any more. I’ve also decided to stop trying too hard and take care of me. I’m trying to be okay with just being me, even if I don’t have anyone, and to enjoy life. I know I’ve said it in the past, but I’m going to really try this time. I’ve already deleted my online dating account.

Take Care and keep in touch.
“client”

Finding The Right Ground

Demanding respect and not allowing old habits to restart will take some juggling until it feels right. There may be many different starts and stops. At times, the tendency will be to withdraw, but somewhere in the middle as you work through all the feelings, a comfortable cadence will be reached. The important lesson here is that you deserve to not be used and only you can prevent a user from taking advantage of you.

The least you need to know:
1. Until you feel positive about yourself, it is easy to fall into old, destructive patterns.
2. Realizing that you are worth more than being used comes from deep within.

This mission, should you chose to accept, requires:
1. Examining your feelings when being used and finding them distastful.
2. Belief that mutual respect is an integral part of a good relationship

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Now, This Is Progress In Raising Self-Esteem!

August 7, 2010 admin No comments

Words From A Believer

Time is usually necessary to integrate change, especially in self-esteem. My client deployed overseas after she had sought therapy for a number of sessions. She had been feeling desperate about relationships not working out and finding herself being used. However, she was afraid of letting relationships go because of her fears of loneliness and beliefs that she was only worthwhile, if a man gave her validation. I recently received this very welcome e-mail: (Identifiers of client removed)

Dr. White,
I wanted to update you that about a month ago I bumped into “friend” at my job. You would be so proud of me that I am finally over him. I saw him and he said hi and I said hi back. I was cordial like you said I should be. I kept walking though, so I didn’t stand there and talk to him. Then a couple hours past and he emailed me. He was asking me all sorts of things about me and my life. He even said he thinks about me all the time and he likes what we had before I left. I told him it’s nice that he thinks about me, but I don’t do the same. That was it. He did start working with me again at my job in “city,” but I won’t be dealing with him at all since I am deploying every other 4m and when I’m home in the states I am off for 4m. When I saw him, I felt nothing. It was great, and what’s even better, is that I didn’t even feel any anger towards him. It was weird because I didn’t expect to not feel angry anymore and that’s how I really know I’m over it. He’s obviously still trying to be with me, but don’t worry I’m not falling it for it. BTW I have to go back overseas in the Fall. I wanted to say thank you for everything. You’ve really helped me a lot. I hope you are doing well.
Take Care,
“client”

We will get her thoughts on how she did it in the next post.

The least you need to know:
1. Getting caught in hurtful behavior patters takes a powerful toll on self-esteem.
2. Recovery is possible.

The mission, should you chose to accept, requires:
1. Recognition that you may be stuck in hurtful behavior patterns.
2. It is within your power to break those patterns.
3. You have to want to change!

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Resilience–And Self-Esteem–22 Tips

August 1, 2010 admin No comments

Bouncing Back After Life’s Lemons

Self-esteem permeates all we do. If it is low, it definitely impairs resilience and stress management skills, in addition to most other aspects of our lives. When trauma or bad events hit, it is difficult not to get inundated with thoughts about failures and perceived inadequacies. Coping with the worst and bouncing back, resilience, gets detoured into long periods of self-doubt, lack of self-confidence and feelings of worthlessness, if self-esteem is low. It drains motivation to cope and leads to feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. Resilience is at a standstill.

Some of us don’t even need particularly bad circumstances to play the “self-worthless” tape. We may let our thoughts about how we have been weighed in the balance and found lacking obsessively take over our attention. Low self-esteem causes us to “roll around in the dirt” of our thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, wondering if it is just our lot in life to fail and never be good enough. So when bad times hit, functioning adequately and overcoming stress is severely limited. Poor self-esteem is at the heart of the matter.

Self-Esteem Makers And Breakers

1. Do find positive answers. 1. Don’t drown in negativity.
2. Do seek out others and interact. 2. Don’t withdraw; friends & family want to help.
3. Do celebrate your accomplishments. 3. Don’t make yourself miserable remembering failures.
4. Do distract yourself by activities. 4. Don’t stay stuck and sit around ruminating.
5. Do respond with skills you have. 5. Don’t react without thinking
6. Do learn new response skills. 6. Don’t be afraid of change.
7. Do think for yourself. 7. Don’t let others’ opinions outweigh yours.
8. Do nurture perspective. 8. Don’t allow “I can’t stand it” to guide you.
9. Do forgive yourself, if needed. 9. Don’t allow guilt to reign.
10. Do get over perfectionism. 10. Don’t forget, no one or any event is perfect!

Here’s number 11, perhaps most important: do consult with your inner self and wisdom; don’t throw away suggestions that will come to you.

The least you need to know:
1. Like resilience, self-esteem is a work in progress.
2. Raising self-esteem bodes well for coping with everything.
The mission, if you chose to accept, is:
1. Decide for yourself what changes need to be made. Consult your inner wisdom.
2. Work on raising self-esteem, you are not assigned this space unless you passively agree or actively reinforce negative behaviors and thoughts.

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Resilience –And Stress

July 23, 2010 admin No comments

Primarily, It Is Still An Inside Job

In the big picture, numerous aspects of your learning and makeup either complicate your efforts to control stress or promote coping and healing. Resilience is the key. How well do you bounce back? What are your adaptive skills? What is your capacity to thrive and live to your full potential when stress squarely lands upon you? All are stress management issues to the max!

Resiliency is not a static quality; it is dynamic and flows with your focus and life events. Renewing your resiliency through taking breaks, self-care, staying involved with important people, building coping strategies, drawing on past successful coping skills, and keeping a positive attitude, are a few of the actions that reward you with greater ability to survive “life’s lemons.” Openness to asking for help when you are stumped and refusing to “beat yourself up” further build an adaptive repertoire.

The Strain On The System Is Relevant

No doubt, the seriousness and type of the stressor(s) should weigh in as pertinent information. It is one thing to be overwhelmed by death of a loved one or a serious medical diagnosis, quite another to cope with continuous pressure to solve job achievement issues. Both may stretch your abilities to manage the stress, but each may require a different focus and a different set of skills.

In the overall picture, resiliency can be likened to the willow tree that survives winds by bending and staying flexible. So, too, is flexibility necessary for us mere humans to remain functional. As has been discussed in other posts, stress management, in the acute sense, will be enhanced by techniques to calm yourself, for example relaxation and breathing, even medication, although we cannot take a pill to solve all problems, ultimately.

The least you need to know:
1. Resiliency is a major aspect in how stress is managed.
2. Resiliency is not static, therefore you can maximize your resiliency.

The mission, should you chose to accept, requires:
1. Once again, openness to consider the personal role you play.
2. Exploring how to build your resiliency.

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Stress Management By Changing Perspective

July 15, 2010 admin 4 comments

Managing Stress Goes Beyond Learning Relaxation Techniques

Stress is a given for everyone, as we all accept. Stress management, on the other hand, is done well by relatively few, and may take a change in the way you think about stress. A classic technique points to relaxation training, including using breathing, to calm the physical body. Exercise to release the natural endorphins is another proven technique. Attention to muscle relaxation and exercise should be at the heart of your stress management skills. However, let’s go a little further into the interactions between thoughts and emotions in order to get a more complete picture for improving stress management.

The Role Of Thoughts In Controlling Stress

The negative emotions that arise surrounding stressful events are what cause you to feel stressed. In turn, emotions are totally influenced by your thoughts. Your thinking is the major cause for you to feel stressed and overwhelmed. Try a little experiment the next time you recognize that you are feeling stressed. First, identify what is causing the stress. Then try thinking positively about that stress. If you are able to think positively, does that change your emotional reaction? It may take some practice to actually change your thinking.

Push the “change your thinking concept” a bit further. Turn emotions down a few notches by using the “so what?” test. This idea requires an honest assessment of what is truly important to you. It is not difficult to understand why stress increases when you set your sights on a goal. For example, should you recognize that an event is stressful because you are convinced that, if you don’t reach a this goal, others will think less of you. It may be very important to you that others see you as an example of success. Now ask yourself “so what?” If I fall short, does that really mean I’m a total failure? Or are there other perspectives that I need to take into account?

Some Of Your Stress Arises From You!

As we try to increase our success in meeting goals and expectations of ourselves, we come to highly value certain outcomes over others. We have given these outcomes a “must have” rating, and thinking often revolves around your judgment about whether you are succeeding. When the possibility of you falling short in the eyes of friends, family, and yourself, you intensify the pressure to succeed on yourself. Stress levels become magnified surrounding the issue of succeeding, sometimes to the point of you continually feeling pressure and anxiety. Negative emotions arise, ranging from self-anger, disappointment, loss, feeling “less than,” hopeless, and fearful. In effect, your emotions spread to encompass most waking moments.

Once you recognize where your negative feelings are centered, intervention in the form of different stress management techniques can be applied. Yes, physical relaxation is important, but “cognitive relaxation” is also primary. It is at this point that you can apply the “so what” test, not to lessen values that are important, but more to evaluate, if such stress is truly important enough to jeopardize your health and well-being!

Stress management is an a continuous flow between mental and physical tension and actively applying methods to reduce the pressure. The key to success is to view yourself as a whole person, and in the big picture, how important is it to hold your own feet to the fire when an adjustment in your thinking can take personal growth to a new level?

The least you need to know:
1. Relaxation training should always be a part of your stress management strategy.
2. Equally critical is you honoring your inner wisdom, and re-evaluating your values.

The mission, should you agree to accept, requires:
1. Identifying the causes of your stress.
2. Be willing to address stress from a cognitive perspective.
3. Be open to the answers your inner wisdom gives you.

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Stress Ruins Quality Of Life

July 6, 2010 admin No comments

Stress Management Is Primary

The need for stress management ranks high for everyone, even though we are affected individually by different pressures. Ignoring stress may result in serious and difficult problems to solve, indeed it is linked to many negative health conditions such as heart, blood pressure, and immune problems, healing ability, and many more, especially quality of life. Stress takes it’s toll on emotional stability as well. Yet, a poor reaction to stress is caused by emotions that arise from thoughts about the stress and performance expectations.

The picture is a series of interacting events, all with individual variations, depending upon our psychological and physical makeup, personality, learned coping abilities, and where we are in our lives, to name a few. However, there are a few constants in the overall picture that apply to most everyone, and are places of intervention. First, it is important to understand some of the basic premises surrounding stress.

Stress Reactions Generally Develop Over Time

Short of a major happening that turns your life upside down, stress creeps into our lives like an unwanted weed in a fine garden. Stress seems small at first, and we shove the realization of its presence down. “Oh that’s a problem, I’ll pull it when I garden on Saturday.” The next time you pass the garden another weed of a different variety is growing in a new corner, the first one is taller. You know the drill, the gardening day gets filled with higher priorities, and soon more and more weeds pop up. If a major event happens, many smaller stressors become problematic.

We live busy lives, filled with ever increasing priorities. Small issues become bigger, and more issues take precedence over the time and energy needed to resolve them. The job may have a new wrinkle that requires more time and skill to fix, the kids need attention, there’s no time for just me, my partner is expecting more from me, I need to get new tires, on and on.

Unsettling Events Around Us Weigh Heavily

Many events outside of the our lives hit the news every day. We learn that the Gulf disaster is ruining lives, suicides are happening, the ecosystem is lost, the animals are suffering and dying. Jobs everywhere are gone; the economy dips again. There’s another flood somewhere. These events, too, take a toll on a person’s ability to handle stress.

Emotional Reactions Deepen

Stress propels thoughts of “try harder, do better, I can’t do it, or can’t you see I’m pedaling as fast as I can?” Usually, the thoughts are laced with resentment, anxiety, anger, sadness, feeling overwhelmed, lacking confidence, and any negative emotion you can have.

The first step is recognizing that the uneasiness or outright panic is due to stress, then recognizing where that stress is coming from. Spend time writing a list of what you are stressed about, even if you think this is a step you can skip over. The writing helps you get a clear idea of the problems. It will be easier to find solutions, if you know the basic issues. Also, writing will help you refine the issues, making them a point of intervention.

The next step will be to analyze the emotions that arise. We’ll expand upon this issue in the next post. You need time to digest and fine tune your understanding about the sources of stress.

The least you need to know:
1. Stress is pervasive, usually starts with small annoyances, and progresses until you are affected in many life areas, especially the quality of your life and emotional stabilization.
2. Complicated lives, even outside events (like the news), create overwhelming pressures on your psyche.

The mission, should you chose to accept, is:
1. Begin with finding and exploring the cause of your stress. Don’t try to skip this step.
2. Recognize where all stress is beginning, even news about the state of the world!

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Stress Management Using Mind-Body Techniques

July 1, 2010 admin No comments

Research Links Stress To Health Problems– And Solutions

Using the power of the mind to affect bodily symptoms (illness) is the underlying premise of mind-body medicine. Managing stress is a primary concern for therapists and all health care professionals, and has been found to be a viable means of improving health. The physical and emotional damage that stress causes has been written about voluminously and researched extensively over the last few decades. Yet, stress remains a killer! Your quality of life is in jeopardy, if you do not heed the mind-body findings.

The mind-body connection is explained in Dr.Claire Wheeler’s recent blog www.psychologytoday.com. Even before the last century, Socrates led us in the quest to find happiness, and he progressed to link happiness to a “life well-lived,” essential understandings to maximize quality of life.

The overall picture is to control damaging emotional symptoms and behaviors by applying techniques that encourage you to live a healthy lifestyle. The basic premise is that changing your lifestyle, learning to respond, (rather than allowing a gut level reaction to take over), and living your values will enhance your stress management skills, thereby lessening the health ravages of stress running wild.

The Research Is Available For The Taking

Living a healthy lifestyle greatly diminishes the effects of stress. For example, if your diet, exercise and life style choices are moving in a healthy direction, you are able to manage upsets in your life more effectively. You have your wits about you more readily and can make appropriate choices. You are less likely to get wrapped up in temptations when you already are committed to health. As you limit stress in your life, live a healthy lifestyle, and do not fall prey to making poor choices, your physical health will be enhanced.

It is always good to research for yourself views of other people. A cornucopia of knowledge is available on the internet, local libraries and bookstores detailing the research that unequivocally proves that stress is linked to poor physical health. Many talented researchers in psychology and medicine have paved the way for developing strategies that improve physical health through stress management. Google: mind/body research.

It Is Never Too Late–Change Now

Even if your health is suffering due to genetic health problems or poor choices, like addiction in the past, pay attention now to healthy decisions; you will be rewarded exponentially. Long term consequences of chronic stress can be mediated by making healthy choices now.

With your doctor’s permission, exercise is an easy way to begin. Simply walking for 20 minutes a day can start to turn around many health problems. If you are having difficulties with motivation, use a simple technique that you have probably tried with your kids, tie your walk to a particularly pleasant event that you want, e. g. allowing yourself to watch a favorite tv program. No walkie, no watchie.

Every person who struggles with depression will likely get the “exercise” cure from health professionals. Depression, which is often tied to stress, responds positively to getting the body moving. More suggestions to come.

The least you need to Know:
1. The answers are in–stress is negatively related to health and emotional issues.
2. See for yourself by doing a little research.

This mission, should you decide to accept, requires:
1. You taking responsibility for your health by changing lifestyle choices.
2. An acceptable path to start is some-any-exercise. You will be doing a great service to yourself. No one can help without you changing.

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More Pitfalls In Positive Thinking

June 13, 2010 admin No comments

Healing Is Complicated

Forgiveness adds another difficult layer in the process of applying positive thinking to overcome abuse, a particularly entrenched problem of many individuals’ personal growth process. Our culture’s Christian heritage has inserted forgiveness as a necessary step in personal development. A reader points out that forgiveness has muddied the water considerably in his/her healing process– a huge stopping point for many working through the ravages of abuse!

Naturally, another complication with blindly applying positive thinking in the healing process is “getting past” the abuse. Forgiveness holds a powerful place in much of our culture, rightly so. However, taking the liberty of not answering the Christian dilemma, forgiveness lends a special perspective to the healing process that can be centered on the person who was abused, letting go of whatever the abuser must do in his/her own personal growth and atonement.

Don’t Discount Giving Yourself Permission To Minister to You, Only

I see the “forgiveness” aspect of this post as a wonderfully “selfish” act that the abused person gives to him/herself! That is, the wrong that was done to the abused person is a concept that only the abuser can resolve in his/her own personal development. The acts were wrong when they happened, they are still wrong today, and they will always be wrong in the future! The abused person was never the reason for the abuse!

Now that person need no longer worry about what, where, when, or who to forgive. The person abused no longer needs to carry that burden. The abuser must go on to solve their own guilt with whatever higher source they may have. The focus is now on turning over the burden of what has been done to a greater power, and lifting the burden off yourself.

If you must, resolve whatever you feel is the religious link to your own well-being with a proper representative of your faith. Try not to get lost in the “forgiveness” as your duty.

Don’t Try To Apply Logic To What Happened

Abused individuals often try to find a congruence with what has happened and a rationale of why. There is no congruence because what the abuser did was wrong; the abused individual is not responsible for the abuser’s burden. It is ”normal” to feel the sadness, and I would guess more than a little anger. Sometimes, the person abused even feels the need to forgive him/herself; I’m not sure why in each individual case. Remember you cannot be responsible for another person’s wrongful actions.

Taking care of yourself is now your only task!

Acceptance Is The Key

Acceptance of the facts, and not bringing the why into play is the challenge. Accept that the abuse happened and go on to live life. For whatever reason, evidently this process is part of learning from the experience.

I’d be surprised if the why is totally separate from self-esteem. The goal should not be to ”get over it.” Rather, it may be more of acceptance that one had to live through others’ life lessons. Perhaps the cup being “half full” is to realize one’s growth. I find many clients will reveal the positives in their own growth, in spite of the pain, after sufficiently processing with another person, often a therapist.

The least you need to know:
1. You are not responsible for another person’s mistakes or bad behavior.
2. Healing is complicated.
3. Your responsibility to yourself is to be free to personally grow, in spite of the pain.

The mission. if you choose to accept, requires you:
1. To realize you are not ordered–for your own health–to forgive in the traditional Christian sense; let that part be a process you undertake with a representative of your faith.
2. Let go of trying to make sense out of what happened. Accept and go on to make yourself into person you want to be.
3. Look for the positives the experience has opened for you, not the least of which is to grow personally, and to make sure you never repeat the abusers’ patterns.

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Positive Thinking Pitfalls!

June 7, 2010 admin 2 comments

Applying Affirmations To No Avail!

“How do I use positive thoughts to change my emotions when I don’t believe the thoughts? I try changing my thoughts, but I can’t believe affirmations that others say I should use. They just don’t seem true.” These are the most frequent concerns from the layman who is attempting to incorporate positive thought in personal growth.

The feeling that you are being fake frequently emerges when you first try to put the principles of positive psychology to work. You attempt to make yourself believe ideas about you that you don’t feel are real, like you are trying trick yourself into somehow believing you are a good person. However, deep within, you hold tight to the old beliefs that you really are not worthy.

The Sticking Point

Your inner wisdom is no dumb bunny! Your can’t wish and cajole your way to believing something about yourself that doesn’t ring true. Instead, get unstuck from self-esteem issues by a more accurate, adult assessment of yourself. Most people who have self-esteem issues carry those beliefs from long ago. In whatever way the thinking ran amok, it now needs to be revised.

Most likely, the incorrect assumptions that you have made came from experiences as a child or an extremely vulnerable adult, when you were led to believe that your worth was nil and that you couldn’t do anything right. Unfortunately, it is usually other adults who have their own issues who plague a vulnerable person with worthlessness. Yes, it is also possible that other experiences have brought your self worth into question. Whatever the etiology, reassessment as an adult needs to be brought to bear on the incorrect thinking. Change in thinking is the only rescue.

Moving From The Negative

People who love you will confront your distorted thinking. Friends who know your strengths are usually hoping to get you on another path of thinking. Therapists will challenge your wrong self assessments.
Lastly, the most important resource is you. Forcing yourself to confront distortions in self thoughts is powerful. It only works, if you are willing to strip yourself of incorrect self-beliefs.

Admitting that you are not the bad person you may think takes courage. After all, you may have spent a good deal of energy on assessing yourself negatively. Because of your own assessments, events that you are sure point to your lacking, or being vulnerable to others has set worthlessness deep into your psyche. To turn around your focus and let it be more plausible, accurate beliefs regarding awareness requires you to stop denial and, at times, self pity.

Small Steps Turn Into Giant Steps!

Once you let go of old belief patterns and accept positive possibilities, your world will open up. You will no longer need to take refuge in thinking patterns that sabotage your personal growth. It is hard to fathom why some perfectly fine people need to see themselves as lacking. However, letting a little light into a rigid, old belief system can open you to possibilities.

If friends and family aren’t helpful, and you can’t turn your stuck place into openness, get help. It may not even be that difficult, if you break down your defense system and accept a more truthful assessment of yourself.

The Least You Need To Know:
1. It is common to feel uncomfortable with change in thinking.
2. Your negative thoughts are not likely to be completely true.
3. Your inner wisdom can’t be fooled. You must find truly positive aspects of you.

This mission, should you choose to accept, requires:
1. Letting go of old defense mechanisms that hide the truth.
2. Sometimes you need others to help you find the truth.
3. Honestly owning your strengths is a good place to start.

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