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Creating Your Own Reality, How Is It Possible?

May 10, 2012 No comments
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Connecting with the Universe? And More!

I admit it! I’m on the side of proponents who posit that we are able to create reality, actually make events happen! Aside from deep spiritual beliefs, there are some very practical, down to earth thoughts about how one is able to make actual changes in one’s life. Now, don’t zero out using the powers of the Universe, just consider these more mundane ideas as stepping stones along the way.

Vision is the Leader

How many times have you heard successful, gifted humans tout that you must have vision? In other words, without thoughts, goals, direction, we are just here, at the will of who knows what. But with vision, plans about where we want to go and how we are going to get there, the World opens up to possibilities. Ones that we have indeed created for our selves!

What is the worst that can happen if you have vision and it doesn’t seem to materialize with your efforts? Disappointment? Yes, but also knowledge of what works and what might not. So, change the plan, make the vision more workable! Successful people will always say, “failure is my best teacher.” Now, try again with even better ideas.

After Vision-VISUALIZE

Give yourself about 20-30 minutes to follow these directions on a frequent basis. Relax, breathe, relax your muscles. Get into the mode of using thoughts and pictures in your mind’s eye. Give your imagination freedom! Take a snapshot of the future you want and what success looks like to you. Now embroider on that snapshot–use all your five senses to expand upon that picture of you with success.

Put yourself at the center of that visualization. Use your sight (of course, only in your mind’s eye), notice the sounds you might associate with that success, are there any scents you might perceive, taste what would accompany this success, and use your kinetic sense to feel yourself moving and taking the actions of success.

Now the Real Magic

If you mentally see yourself in a scenario, it opens up actions that you would naturally take to make the scenerio materialize. It gives your deep, wise inner self suggestions about how to make the success happen, decisions that you can make to get you where you want to be.

A vision is important because it causes you to stretch. The next step is to visualize what success will look like. Have a vision of your success, and how you can actually make your success happen–the behaviors, thoughts, attitudes necessary for success to be yours.

Think about how to make your vision attainable. You will figure out what to do to create this reality. Then if you think about what to do to make it happen long enough, you will eventually do it.

Thoughts are the beginning of all actions. By envisioning success, you allow yourself to think bigger. The more you visualize success, the more you act as though you are successful. As you gain confidence by practicing success, you will will take the steps you have laid out for yourself!

It seems too simple, yet it works. Dream your world into being! Then make it happen with actual behaviors!

Inner Wisdom, Personal Growth ,

The Gift of Mindfulness in Managing Emotional/Physical Distress

March 29, 2012 2 comments
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Master Mindfulness for Emotional and Physical Health

Mindfulness is the practice of centering on the present in which you reside at this very moment. The practice has become popular in programs that teach stress reduction and has a wide appeal among health care practitioners who advocate Mind-Body Health. It is ideal for cultivating greater awareness of the unity of mind and body, as well as how unconscious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can undermine emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Finding its roots in Eastern religions, Mindfulness was popularize by Dr. Jon Kabot-Zinn in his stress reduction program at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center in the late 1970′s. The practice is a meditation technique that can be broadened to stop intrusive thinking and to bring thoughts back when they “run away.”

Stop the “Thought Merry-Go-Round”

Most of us have had unwanted thoughts intruding on the day and keeping sleep at bay. Mindfulness is a way to restructure the brain, so old patterns can be dislodged and replaced with more adaptive ways of thinking. Learning and practicing Mindfulness is, of course, a commitment, and will require some effort. For an introduction and guidance, check out Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

As with all human conditions, intrusive thinking ranges from severe obsessional patterns to occasional bothersome thoughts about a stressful event that has taken up residence in our heads. For severe obsessive disorder, treatment involves a psychiatric medication evaluation and intensive psychotherapy. However, for the majority who experience worry and thought intrusion, combining relaxation and Mindfulness will bring new perspectives, and hopefully new coping skills that really work. You need not remain a captive of your mind.

Begin, as usual, with your breath, bring your awareness to the sensations of breathing. When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the breath sensations. Now expand your practice with suggestions by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

Rewiring Our Brains

Mindfulness practice changes the connections and pathways in our brain. Neuroscience and brain imaging labs are showing that brain changes occur with Mindfulness meditation, sometimes in as little as 2 weeks. Commitment to meditation may not be what many will chose. However, even with daily small exercises, the mind can be trained to deal with stress more effectively, and thus begin to control the intrusive thoughts. For more information, Google rewiring the brain/neuroscience.

The least you need to know:
1. You can escape old thinking patterns by teaching the old dog (you) new tricks, like Mindfulness.
2. Don’t expect to change your distress without some work on your part.
3. Mind-Body practice helps release emotions that may have been causing the body physical stress. Much like exercise, research has shown that even meditating briefly can reap immediate benefits.

Should you decide to accept this assignment, you must
1. Engage in your own healing.
2. Take charge of and responsibility for your health by committing to practice change in your everyday behaviors.

Healing, Personal Growth , ,

Send Me An Angel

February 18, 2012 No comments
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Finding Your Angel May Mean Being an Angel

As I listen to the Family’s and church’s service for Whitney Houston, her greatness becomes clear. Her talent reigned always. But, what drove her mourners to celebrate her life was the person she was deep inside. A clear theme proclaimed, she was great because of her inner self. So, too, all of our greatness comes forth from within, not just from a talent or charmed life the few are able to live.

Getting Out of Yourself as a Coping Skill

Getting stuck in sadness and why me? keeps us focused on what we don’t have, instead of what we do have. Always, care givers, personal and professional, are besieged with “how can I rise above my sorrow, my pain?” And there is no short miracle that happens when we are simply heard by another human being! However, eventually we professionals, turn to teaching and helping the person in pain build a way to keep pain at bay. Listening to the person is part of the teaching way.

The foundation of living successfully in this life is simply learning to make your life count. Since we are social beings in various ways, making your life count will entail helping others make their lives count.

Where Do I Find the Strength to Make My Life Count?

The answer lies deep within and having the courage to reach for the strength. Give me “one moment in time/when I’m racing with destiny/Then in that one moment, I will feel eternity”. Those lyrics sung by Whitney Houston at the 1988 Summer Olympics opening in honor of guiding athletes to believe in one’s self against all odds.

Thus finding the strength is closely related to awareness of others’ challenges and struggles, and the courage of reaching beyond ourselves. It is made much easier by adopting a spiritual side where strength is given for the asking. Expect miracles!

Healing, Relationships ,

A Tribute to Paula and Matt

February 2, 2012 No comments
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A Man Gives Way to His Addiction–and Dies

Shortly before Christmas, Matt’s mother came home to her dead 40 yr. old son. He had been living with her for several years in an attempt to help him commit to sobriety. Her values prevented her from walking away. His addiction had been a long struggle for both. She had talked to friends for strength in getting through the difficulties in trying to help him. Her efforts to lead him and support him ended in tragedy, his death from alcohol while she briefly vacationed with other family.

Truly, Addiction is the Plague of our Times

Dear Paula,

Since Matt’s passing, the process of grieving is well underway for you. I just wanted to let you know that we are with you in spirit and understanding. Perhaps you are even ahead somewhat because of the long time you dealt with his dying process. He was headed to self-destruction for many years, especially, I think, after his head injury, also a part of the addiction picture.

So, the many memories of him keep coming up for you, memories of both good and bad times, memories of the little boy and his brothers, all the joys and tribulations that a young family brings. Memories of the highs and lows of your life as they were connected to your boys flash in and out of your grieving awareness, until they hopefully will give way to peace and acceptance.

You have been in this process for years, ever since it became clear that Matt’s addiction would eventually bring his demise. I know of no worse destruction than that of addiction. And, of course, Matt received the double dose of brain injury that grievously affected the addiction.

The bad is very real and culminated in his final self-destruction that you are now left with processing, struggling through the emotions, and finally, giving his actions, struggles, and terrible decisions, that he couldn’t seem to stop making, their resting place.

I hope that you are kind to yourself. What you showed to the world was a mother who did everything possible, against overwhelming odds for success. It is very difficult to let our children live out their destinies without thinking that maybe we could stop the process. You tried valiantly to intervene, and give him unconditional love. His life was better for it, the best that circumstances would allow.

Matt was actually a very good man. He had kindness and love of the animal world as primo assets. Even with his deficits, humor did not pass him by. He worked hard and had an admirable set of skills. I enjoyed getting to know him and was grateful for the way he helped others without reservation. We will miss him, too

Now, hopefully, you can heal and set a course for yourself that gives you joy, peace, and freedom.

With Respect,

Pat

Healing, Relationships , , , , ,

10 Tips for Evaluating Your Own Success as a Care Giver

December 10, 2011 2 comments
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Care Giving May Bring an Array of Emotions

Being a care giver is, at times, one of those jobs that can provide indescribable joy, other times it may seem thankless, even hopeless. In most jobs in our lifetime, there are different markers that tell us if we are succeeding, e.g. raises in pay, boss’ evaluations that give us the needed “atta boy/girl”, inner feelings of pride in our work.

Alas, especially if you are a care giver of friends or family, you may be expected to do a great job, with little positive feedback. The patient has suffered a traumatic time for whatever caused the disability and may not have a lot to give back to a care giver. It is just the job you are expected to do!

Now the discussion so far may not be as negative for you. You may be feeling rewarded and satisfied. That is ideal. But just in case the care giver role may have burned you out, evaluating your own success can help you cope with some of those overwhelming feelings that care giving brings. You can give yourself an “atta girl/boy!

The Tips

1. Begin with an examination of your own attitudes, beliefs and work ethic. If you uncover feelings of negativity, being overwhelmed, out of control with anger, and otherwise detrimental attitudes proceed directly to Number 10 below. At the very least do some thoughtful care giving to yourself. It may be possible that you could be depressed from this very stressful job. No shame in getting help!

2. Plan your care giving time to include time just to listen to your patient. Being heard by another human being is one of the most important gifts that we can give and a magic cure for so many worries.

3. Educate yourself about the many products, such as mobility and bath safety aids, that are available to support and make life easier and more comfortable for the elderly and disabled. Some products will make your job incredibly easier and safer for you and your patient.

4. Evaluate your patient in terms of what you would find helpful, if you were in his/her shoes. Then try to include helpful aids or behaviors that you identified as something you would like. No harm in trying out a new activity.

5. Tally up the patient’s likes and dislikes, and make a concerted effort to magnify the “likes” for the patient.

6. Understand that the patient’s “grumbles” may be more about disappointment and feeling of helplessness, than a direct criticism of you.

7. See the environment from the patient’s eyes with respect to needs for privacy, access to meeting personal needs, lack of ability in independent self care, and general comfort in living. Use your findings to solve problems.

8. Recognize signs of depression (feeling down, apathy, anger, poor concentration anxiety, fatigue, restlessness, irritability) and get a mental health consult, if you aren’t sure. Depression is treatable, but you may need a professional’s help for your patient.

9. If you think at times that your patient may not be physically well, or even not thinking or expressing themselves like they have previously, don’t hesitate to involve the primary care physician. Care giving is best when it is a team effort, and you know when to involve others!

10. By all means, recognize that you need a break from care giving duties on a regular basis. You will be better at your job, if you have a respite. All too often, care givers are dedicated to the patient to the degree of letting their own needs run amok. Burn out will never result in good care giving.

Now honestly assess your efforts. If your motives are pure, you should be able to reach around your shoulders and give yourself an “atta girl or boy” for a job well done! Or, at the very least, you have a blueprint to improve your care giving!

Disabilities, Relationships

Creatively Caring for Elderly Parents II

November 6, 2011 5 comments
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The Roles of Parent and Child Change

The elderly population is growing at an exponential rate! At some point many of us will move into care giver roles for our parents, whether it is in our own homes, their homes, or supervising care in a facility. We will be charged to add a creative part to the process in order to keep the elder’s self-worth alive and to maximize their quality of life.

The role reversal of parent and child as the parent ages is often a wake up call. Gradually, the parent has become dependent on the “child,” who is now an adult, and with the dependency comes new dynamics that the adult “child” must shoulder.

There is a dangerous part in all of this that the adult child has to cover: protecting the elderly parent from falling, from taking on tasks they can no longer easily do, from not getting very basic needs met appropriately and many more.

Here’s the creative part in caring for elderly parents: keeping self-esteem alive and well, providing mobility aids, bath safety, and making their living areas as pleasant and comfortable as is possible.

Many Responsibilities Surface for Care Giver

All the while helping them to be safe and secure in their environment, the now care giver has many responsibilities. It all boils down to enhancing the quality of their lives. For example, a day trip within the community can make an otherwise dull day bright. A transport wheelchair is relatively economical and makes care giving vastly easier.

In providing the care needed for the elderly parent, it is important that the elderly feel respected and worthy. Enhancing the quality of life for the elderly parent is helped with living aids; however, the attitude of the caregiver will be the basis upon which the care given is built.

Take a Self Inventory

Being honest, conflicts with parents are one of the stages of child (sometimes adult, too) development. Now we have to work through all the old hurts, wrongs done and even possible guilt for our feelings. In many cases, it is exceptionally difficult to put away the old pains and resentments. The past can be tenacious and letting go may seem impossible. The only guidance I would give is to “be the person you have grow into being”! Lessons have been learned.

Then there are those of use who feel we have to make things better when, in reality, we can’t change most of the events our parents now find in their lives. Hard lesson! One does what one can, we are not responsible for changing the impossible. Again, we are responsible for “being the person we have grown into being.”

You have to manage your own life as well, and it will need to take priority many times.

Ultimately, spinning the day as positively as possible, giving respect and encouragement, and providing the help you are able to do are major parts of creatively caring for elderly parents. The basis of your care will always begin with fostering a positive attitude within yourself.

Disabilities, Relationships , , ,

Caregivers Can Use Life Coaching Principles

October 5, 2011 1 comment
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Rounding Out The Caregiver Role

When a person is dropped into a caregiver role, it may seem impossible to know how to begin. A light bulb lit up for me this weekend while attending a coaching conference: many of the same guidelines of life coaching can be applied in a slightly different manner to care giving.

Basically, the physical and medical needs of their “patient” are major, of course. But, some of the most thorny care giving issues are how to relate emotionally to the elder or disabled, how to help with their emotions, and how to motivate independent living in the face of disappointment and struggles. Whether you’re a caregiver or life coach you’re about to model and teach a whole new way for the person to cope and live with whatever challenges that are now a part of life.

Becoming Skilled at Fostering Positive Attitudes

How can a caregiver resolve problems so that the elder or disabled can have greater personal growth and coping skills? A caregiver has to navigate through a variety of scenarios ranging from the individual’s emotional reactions to a disability to problems that involve family interactions. Bottom line: as a caregiver, you must become skilled at working with human beings to produce positive change and help that person adapt to the new challenges that surface. Pretty tall order!

One of the first orders of business is to explore your own attitudes and possible negativity. No, you are not expected to make life perfect and everything back to normal! You are not responsible for what has happened to make the person disabled. More, you do have responsibility for providing positive support. You can’t work miracles, but you can model encouragement, help in coping with “life’s lemons,” and do the best you can to bring a light of sunshine. Empathy is far from sympathy, and it can be a basic tenet of your care giving.

Many physical problems can be modified with home medical equipment. In turn, the confidence built by having the right equipment spills over into the emotional realm.

It Always Is a Surprise: Just Listening and Talking Work Wonders

A well trained life coach never provides instant solutions, rather coaching is a process whereby the individual decides what efforts and solutions he will bring to his problems. Help the elderly and disabled verbalize what the main problems are, how it affects their outlook, and what might make things better.

Empathizing can be very good, up to a point. The real help is in the process of exploring thoughts and feelings. No feeling is bad, a feeling is a feeling. However, remember, thoughts drive emotions. Helping to “reframe” negative thoughts when possible or encouraging a more positive “spin” will ultimately work better. That takes time and perseverance.

Ah, you say, she doesn’t know my Dad. You are right, but having someone really listen to what he is feeling will prompt better coping than denying those feelings. Remember, it is a process, a marathon, not a sprint!

Get started small; you can’t change a whole lifetime or dissolve the trauma of disability. However, you can be a light in the dark forest that may make all the difference in the world. More Later.

The least you need to know:
1. Care giving involves emotional as well as physical needs.
2. You are not expected to solve problems that cannot be solved.
3. You are a role model for learning to adapt to challenges.

The mission should you chose to accept requires:
1. Getting your own emotional and thinking house in order. Negativity breeds negativity.
2. Talking and listening–without judgment–is magic!
3. Remember the marathon, not the sprint; this will be a lifetime of persistence.

Disabilities, Relationships , , , , , ,

Disabilities May Be Missed as Our Parents Age

September 4, 2011 No comments
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Aging Disabilities May Start Slowly

Deciding on the need for adaptive equipment may require noticing details and subtle differences as age progresses in our loved ones. We may even tend to overlook a lessening of functioning in our elderly parents, or not realize the time is coming when geriatric care will be necessary.

We may even resist moving into our roles as caregivers, wanting our parents to stay the strong and sturdy parents we always knew. Or perhaps the thought of giving that care may be too big of a burden, and we turn to denial, a problem that surely complicates the elder’s and potential caretaker’s lives. Thus both parties may struggle with depression and guilt.

Signs to Look For

If their movements are tentative and unsure, perhaps it would be wise to evaluate where the failings are beginning. It is a given that sitting down and getting up become more of an effort as age progresses. Hesitancy in walking and being a little unsteady on their feet may be some of the first signs.

Usually, the elder will start noticing how easy tasks have become difficult. They may comment, “I’m not as sure of myself as I usually am”, or “I can’t seem to go as far as I used to.” Sometimes even, “I guess I’m getting old” will be expressed with a sense of loss and regret.

Managing the Emotional Side

Depression is common and may need the assistance of professionals, including evaluation by psychiatric professionals regarding medication needs. Honest expression of emotions by both the elder and potential caretaker can stop damaging build up of resentments. Ask a psychologist to help mediate the discussion, if you are uncertain how to handle emotions.

Acceptance is Difficult

Many times, the elder will not accept using a walker or wheelchair, usually feeling that the use of these items will be a public announcement of their “weaknesses.” Some will want to hold on until they can’t hide the lessening of abilities; some even may fall or not be able to walk without hurting themselves. Definitely, help is a necessity now.

Many Products are Available to Meet a Range of Needs

Often the ability to be mobile is a gradual failing, one that family may not notice as it begins. When it becomes more and more apparent that age is progressing, thinking of help with personal care and mobility will be appreciated. The elderly may be embarrassed or not want to admit that simple tasks have become difficult.

However, adapting to challenges will not escape anyone, and making mobility and personal care safer and easier are certainly good places to start. Do research about home medical products and adaptive equipment to solve a variety of problems.

Disabilities , ,

Reflecting on the Fabric of Life in the Grieving Process

August 1, 2011 1 comment
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Letter to Her Sister’s Therapist Poignantly Chronicals a Twin’s Grieving and Pain

Much to my surprise, I received a letter from a deceased client’s twin, expressing the constant pain of living these last two years without her sister. The client heself had expressed sadness that her twin was not a fan of therapy. Therapy is not for everyone! However, the client had set a healing course for herself with her therapy.

While painfully mentally ill, the client had made her therapy a place to find solace and acceptance of an otherwise difficult life. She learned to immerse herself in daily activities that symbolized the fabric of her life. Perhaps a solace for the remaining twin would be the therapist’s understanding of her sister’s personal journey.

The Therapist’s Understanding of Her Twin’s Personal Journey

Dear Twin,

I was so pleased to hear from you. I knew your sister’s passing would be a huge loss for you. I hear the pain in your words still now.

So much of your sister’s life was lived through and with you. She never had a day that she didn’t want to be with you, to talk to you, to hear about your life and puppies. She was very glad that you have your husband and his family.

Her happiest times were going to your home and sharing your birthday and holidays with you. The day she returned from her visit, she always began planning her return.

Going through your mother’s passing was poignant for her. She resolved some old unhappiness and questions as she grieved. Her mother was important to her. She seemed to gain new perspectives on your parents’ struggles from that time.

I found these cards I’m sending to you deep in one of my cabinets when I recently moved my office. Your sister must have wanted me to share them with you, because I thought I had given all her cards back to her before she passed. Voila! Here they were, just as I was searching for words to comfort you.

Her cards unlock the ways she chose to live her life.

She was constantly thinking of you and worrying if you were handling the trials of your life. She shared all your life events that you told to her.

She immersed herself in study; she loved knowledge, and made it her life work. What better endeavor could one have during this life? She always gave herself a goal– returning to work, even though she knew she could not withstand the pressure of others’ and her own expectations. Any criticism wounded her deeply. Knowledge was always safe.

Her own dogs and cats were her daily salvation. They enriched her days and gave her purpose. They warmed her soul.

I want you to know that, yes, she struggled with her mental illness, but deep inside she loved life, and she found great comfort in you, her studies, her and your pets, and working on healing herself.

She mentions some of her books and movies in these cards that gave her strength and guidance. She hoped she could help you heal, too. As you know, journaling was an enormous learning experience for her. She felt she had healed many past wounds through her own self search. But, she understood that it wasn’t for you, even though she tried to give it to you.

For many years, we worked a lot on her changing her negative thinking. It was intricately woven into the manifestation of her illness. She came to experience much less pain when she did not allow negative thinking to overcome her thoughts.

She struggled with keeping her faith, and ultimately was able to draw strength and guidance from it, although many times she was angry at God. When she finally accepted her early religious training, peace followed for many days. Not that it stayed at all times. She was a human who symbolized all of our struggles with faith.

The final, many years that we worked together, she overcame many of her wounds, or, at least, healed deep scars and did find periods of peace. She was an exceptionally strong soul to keep her healing at the front of her being.

In the cards, especially the lavender card I’ve enclosed, that she had sent me just days before her passing, I see her mark of personal growth and secret knowing.

“They make this world a better place

By practicing the art

Of reaching out to others

And by giving from the heart….

May you always be as happy as you make others.”–Amanda Bradley

This, too, was her gift to you, giving to you healed her. She remained a teacher until the end.

I miss her, also. It was an honor to be a part of her life. She taught me a great deal.

Therapist’s signature

Healing, Zest For Life , , ,

Creatively Caring for Elderly Parents

July 5, 2011 1 comment
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The Task is Enhancing Safety and Comfort

Caring for elderly parents has arrived for many baby boomers. Whether we care for parents in our home or their homes, we are responsible for making life more comfortable and safe. As caretakers of disabled family members, adaptive equipment and home medical products greatly facilitate caretakers’ duties.

My mother would have been 100 years old last January. She passed 2 years ago. I had cared for her, including many years in my home, for 30 years. Her disabilities progressed with her age, and certainly changed many aspects of our living. Sure, we had some basics, but, it wasn’t until after her passing that I learned about the extent of adaptive equipment and home medical equipment available when I researched products for a website.

Adaptive Equipment and Home Medical Products Solve Problems

The world of adaptive equipment offers many solutions for people with disabilities, the elderly and their caretakers. Adaptive equipment is often the key to quality of life.

Recently, I decided to pursue a home based business aimed at improving quality of life for people with disabilities and the elderly. As I researched products for my website http://www.qualitymatters2me.com, I discovered the depth of the world of adaptive equipment. So many products are available; it blew me away.

Even though I had spent 3 years as a psychologist in a rehabilitation facility for disabled with workers’ compensation injuries, and 20+ years as a psychologist, knowledge of the extent and variability of home medical products on the market would have been extremely helpful.

Don’t Forget The Whole Person

Much of my psychological work with disabled clients or their caretakers has been to enhance coping skills and develop the spirit of survival. In caring for the disabled, don’t rule out their emotional needs. The basic tenets of mind body health rule: If one system, e.g. the physical, is distressed, the other system e.g. emotional, is connected and, therefore, affected. Emotions greatly affect body health and healing!

Mental and emotional adjuncts to life challenges round out the care picture. Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects are needed to treat the whole person. We are not just our disabilities, we are people first and foremost.

Adaptive equipment can alleviate some of the physical problems; mental and emotional issues still need to be factored in to address all treatment needs. Don’t forget the mind body connection. Let’s use every possible resource to attack the disabilities and raise comfort levels to the max.

The Least You Need to Know:
1. The disabled and elderly have numerous resources available in adaptive equipment and home medical products.
2. As caretakers, we can take advantage of adaptive equipment, not only for the safety and comfort of family member, but such products make our job much easier.

Your Mission, Should You Decide to Accept, Requires:
1. Research adaptive equipment to meet specific needs.
2. Don’t forget to encourage the family member’s ideas.
3. Mind body rules: emotional needs at times are as important as physical needs.

Disabilities , , , ,
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